ADVOCATUS DIABOLUS
Previous Blogs can be downloaded Here:
A Photo is for Life
Tea Bag Photography
Before We Begin Guide to Great Landcsape Photography
The Before We Begin Wedding Guide
The Before We Begin Guide To Street Photography
This blog is the last (for now at least) Before We Begin Guide. If the viewing figures and feedback is anything to go by they have, on the whole, been well received.
THE BEFORE WE BEGIN GUIDE TO NUDE FINE ART PHOTOGRAPHY
Before we begin – no sniggering at the back.
Before we begin the phrase ‘Phna Phna’ is banned.
Before we begin I apologise for any double entendres within this text – they are all there by accident, I promise you.
Before we begin you will need a camera that works (we will be checking), a lens and an understanding that the female form is a thing to be admired, worshipped and respected – at no time should you have the slightest inclination of arousal. Anybody with a semi-on will be removed from class.
Before we begin you must know that you are about to become the most misunderstood of all photographers and will generally become known in your neighbourhood as a Perv. When asked at dinner parties what your hobby is, simply smile and tell them that you drug Otters, shave them and use their fur to create small coats for your Barbie Doll collection.
Before we begin you need to understand that we consider Page Three to be a purile waste of our eyes and that Razzle et al is the work of the devil’s minions.
Before we begin you need to accept that everybody is beautiful and equally worthy of your photographic attention – even men.
Before we begin you will have to learn the difference between Nude Photography and Nude Fine Art Photography. As a basic guideline full frontal colour with synthetic breasts and lip gloss is Standard Nude, half-light, monochromatic with a hint of perspiration is Fine Art. In the world of Fine Art you are showing the viewer far less than you eye-balled on the day – remember that and you’ll be on track.
Before we begin you will always use the title ‘Life Model’ when referring to your subject and not ‘Tasty Fit Bird.’
Before we begin there are questions one never asks a prospective model in the world of Fine Art Nude. 1. ‘Do you shave?’ 2. ‘Have you had children?’ 3. ‘Do you do extras?’
Before we begin you will obviously need some ‘studio’ space for your work. 1. Your garage – obvious choice. Pros: Cheap, decent size. Cons: It will always look like your garage; the neighbours will wonder why tasty fit…oops…women are always in your garage. 2. The back bedroom. Pros: Cheap, warm and the toilet is handy. Cons: It will always look like your back bedroom, the wife will always be opening the door to check on you and offer cups of tea. 3. The living room. Pros: Cheap, warm and you can watch Top Gear while you work. Cons: The kids will get embarrassed; the wife will want to watch Lark Rise to Candleford.
Before we begin I would suggest buying Frank Bottlenecks seminal work – . A Crack in the Lens - it’s a must read. We have permission to include a small excerpt from Franks riveting introduction and will be publishing an interview with Frank later this year: “….and then Bobby Gutter said to her ‘Park your bike there love but remember to put a chain on it,’ but I digress. When I first entered the rarefied air of Grimsby Camera Club most of our models were ladies of the night or as we called them then, ‘Prozzies’. As some of them were rougher than a night in Scunthorpe we started using one light, a black background and choosing bits of the models that looked better than the others. Little did we know that we had inadvertently invented Nude Fine Art or as Derek Undergrave used to call it Prozzietography. Things have changed of course down the years. These days our models do not smell of fish and we use warm water in a spray bottle for that perspired look, where as in our day, it really was sweat and though the price of model hire has rocketed you get a bit less for your money. From its unassuming beginnings in the upstairs room of the Grimsby Cod Wrestlers Club our little baby, Nude Fine Art, has grown up to be the thing of beauty she is. So many healthy grown men have indulged in the craft and we have even heard of some women being involved on the other side of the camera – I must admit that no naked man has ever been photographed in the Cod Wrestler but then this is Grimsby after all and we have no control over what goes on in London. Mind you, neither can I recall us accepting a membership from a woman photographer unless you count Eric Stutch’s Miranda, who was an Honorary Member for a while and made the tea until she divorced him six months after the wedding. All I can say is that I hope you enjoy the book and can glean from its pages all you need to avoid the pitfalls of Nude Fine Art….”
Eloquent beyond words, Frank, we are not worthy.
Let us begin.
You will come to regard Frank Bottleneck as God and his image Pomme de Derriere as your over-riding inspiration. It is an image that many a boy hung alongside his bare-arsed tennis player.
You will learn to say these words without giggling. 1. Nipple 2. Bottom 3. Genitals 4. Uncle Percy
You will soon start to find it easier to work in half light as you develop a cat like vision. Most Nude Fine Art Photographers of five years or more tend to squint in daylight. In most, though not all cases, it is down to nothing more than the lack of light. In the minority of cases it is down to bad eyesight brought on by something their mothers warned them about when they were 12yrs old.
You will learn that it is best not to set your workstation up where the postman can see it.
You will join an online Time for Print Model Agency and search for days, looking for someone who is willing to take all their clothes off but who doesn’t look like she carries bricks for a living or charges more than £10/hr.
You will continually search for new and exciting props to use. In the past we have used a stuffed Elephant, 3,000 Fisherman’s Friends and a Pot Noodle. Not in the same shoot obviously.
You will vehemently defend yourself and your fellow NFA photographers when being accused of producing soft porn. Any member of the International Society of Nude Art Photographers (I.S.N.A.P) who knowingly submits their work to any East European soft porn websites will be publicly cast out, given a set of ND Grads and a tripod, dropped off in the wilderness under cover of darkness and forced to take photographs of hills and trees for a whole year.
…and finally don’t make a boob of it, don’t fanny about and get to the bottom of the job.
